The mother of an adult son with severe autism shares her heartbreak: “There is no end to the torture this world has in store for him”
Matthew then and now. No china in our china hut—severe autism parents might relate!
By Sharon Fair
My son Matthew was born in a toilet at a Denny’s outside of Sacramento. His birth mother went to prison after injecting him, as an infant, with heroin. Of the many cards stacked against him, Matthew also has severe autism.
Raising a son who literally would not sleep and not stop moving, climbing, jumping, running was not exactly easy (you can see a old TV news story about us here), but now that he’s an adult we’ve seen a new host of problems. Mainly that the systems set up to serve the disabled and the mentally ill are not equipped to handle our kids.
Out of desperation I recently took Matthew to a psych hospital a few weeks ago. One week in they drugged him so heavily he slept for 25 hours "and the nurses were loving it!"
I found out that during that week, the staff had performed five "takedowns" on my son and that eight injections were given. His cheekbone was also fractured, probably related to an encounter with the sheriffs. I took Matthew out of the psych hospital only to be berated by my state worker for doing so.
Matthew's brain function dwindles and his aggression increases with every assault on his brain. Every time he's thrown to the ground and injected with more of the drugs that hurt him, he trusts less, he functions less.
Every assault in the last year was by someone he should've been able to trust. Group homes, ADH caregivers, social workers, a DDD worker, APS workers, doctors, nurses, police, deputies and every person who should've stepped up for him, that didn't.
And who takes the brunt of his frustration at all this injustice? The person who won't walk away, and he knows it.
I read recently about a mom in Connecticut who drove into a river and drowned herself and her special needs adult son.
The news story said she was such an amazing woman, always on campus, and her son was loved by everyone. It doesn't say that she was always on campus because she probably couldn't get the services he needed, so she did them herself. It doesn't say that her son probably had no friends after high school.
It doesn't tell our story.
I'll be honest and tell you I tried to take my life last August when I thought I'd lost Matthew to the system that was killing him. I felt I had no one on my side. No one understood my love for him.
I'd be lying if I said I haven't thought of taking both of our lives to spare him more of the indignities he's experienced. There is no end to the torture this world has in store for him.
Thankfully, I woke up and realized that we're here for a reason and we have to finish this journey, no matter how unpleasant. Thankfully, I also found others who have it worse than us. Other parents here have journeys that I can't even fathom!
I can be a support instead of a whiner. I can do that.
I feel for that mom who felt she had no other options than to die that day. I even understand her. I wish her peace and hope she and her son are together without limitations. I wish her real story was told.
Matthew is in the hospital again. I asked the doctor what I should do when he tries to kill me and he said, "take him to the hospital.” But I took him to a different hospital in hopes of getting him transferred to a hospital in Phoenix that has an Autism unit. So far insurance is denying it.
My other son, Ricky, who died, would be 40 on Monday and I'm completely depressed. This, too, will pass. Right?
Sharon Fair is the mother of an adopted son with severe autism. They live in Arizona.
Disclaimer: Blogposts on the NCSA blog represent the opinions of the individual authors and not necessarily the views or positions of the NCSA or its board of directors.