“No one sees the chaos that autism does to a family or to marriage. No one sees because we are often isolated and just ‘dealing with it.’”
Fourth in our series on the impact of severe autism on marriage
By KE
“You have never been kind.“
As soon as the words left my mouth, I felt a huge weight lifted off my chest that had been pressing for years.
My husband and I have 3 children and 2 of them are on the autism spectrum.
I made a choice to homeschool them when the world fell into chaos due to a global pandemic, and I regret that choice. The pressure of being a mother, a caregiver, a wife, and a teacher all at the same time became crippling to my marriage. I began to push my husband away — push him away to focus on the kids and their needs. I reasoned that he was a grown man and could take care of himself, and my absence caused him depression. This depression led to excessive drinking, but honestly, it didn’t phase me because I was too busy being a mom and a teacher and a caregiver to my two sons on the autism spectrum — all the things except for being a wife, and it almost cost me my marriage.
In hindsight, part of the problem was not having an ounce of energy to even care about his depression. I didn't have time to care because I was trying to survive the aggression, lack of sleep, and the emotional stress our sons were putting me through.
They weren't putting my husband through this trauma because he checked out. He went to work, quickly ate dinner, and then headed out to the garage where he engulfed a case of beer until it was bedtime.
My husband never directly said autism was part of the problem in our life, marriage or even some of the cause of his depression or drinking, and truth be told, he probably never will, but I believe wholeheartedly that if autism wasn't part of our life, we would have been different. He would have been different.
Last December my husband demanded a divorce, and to be honest, I saw it coming as I watched him unravel and quickly become someone I didn't love anymore. Someone I wasn’t willing to fight for anyone.
I hated him for not loving me more.
I hated him for not fighting for us.
I hated him for wrecking Christmas.
I hated him for days and then something strange occurred.
We started to talk one night. We enjoyed one another’s company and didn’t try to fix any of our problems. We didn’t strategize about this meltdown or how we were going to get our kids to sleep, we just talked. We both had a lot we needed to get off our chests.
We talked for days which turned into weeks which slipped into months which quickly turned into “let's be better” — together.
The divorce was removed from our conversations.
My husband became a better version of himself and so did I.
When the world went into chaos, our chaos was simply amplified. The problem was no one could see it except for us. No one sees the chaos that autism does to a family or to marriage. No one sees because we are often isolated and just ‘dealing with it’; dealing with depression through coping strategies like checking out and drinking. No one sees and that became a huge part of the problem.
This past year has been a journey of new; a new home routine and educational plan for our three children and new for me and my husband because now we actually talk about our feelings without becoming combative with our words. We talk through our pain and chaos rather than using numbing strategies and that’s a win not only for our family but for our marriage.
About: KE lives in Canada with her husband and three kids. She spends her time advocating for better resources, support, and funding for the individuals who are diagnosed with cognitive disability or physical disability. K has a love for helping people and sharing her story through blogging online about being a mother raising two boys both diagnosed on the autism spectrum.