Recovery from a Marriage in Crisis

“No one sees the chaos that autism does to a family or to marriage. No one sees because we are often isolated and just ‘dealing with it.’”

Fourth in our series on the impact of severe autism on marriage

By KE

“You have never been kind.“ 

As soon as the words left my mouth, I felt a huge weight lifted off my chest that had been pressing for years. 

My husband and I have 3 children and 2 of them are on the autism spectrum. 

I made a choice to homeschool them when the world fell into chaos due to a global pandemic, and I regret that choice. The pressure of being a mother, a caregiver, a wife, and a teacher all at the same time became crippling to my marriage. I began to push my husband away — push him away to focus on the kids and their needs. I reasoned that he was a grown man and could take care of himself, and my absence caused him depression. This depression led to excessive drinking, but honestly, it didn’t phase me because I was too busy being a mom and a teacher and a caregiver to my two sons on the autism spectrum — all the things except for being a wife, and it almost cost me my marriage. 

In hindsight, part of the problem was not having an ounce of energy to even care about his depression. I didn't have time to care because I was trying to survive the aggression, lack of sleep, and the emotional stress our sons were putting me through. 

They weren't putting my husband through this trauma because he checked out. He went to work, quickly ate dinner, and then headed out to the garage where he engulfed a case of beer until it was bedtime. 

My husband never directly said autism was part of the problem in our life, marriage or even some of the cause of his depression or drinking, and truth be told, he probably never will, but I believe wholeheartedly that if autism wasn't part of our life, we would have been different. He would have been different. 

Last December my husband demanded a divorce, and to be honest, I saw it coming as I watched him unravel and quickly become someone I didn't love anymore. Someone I wasn’t willing to fight for anyone.  

I hated him for not loving me more. 

I hated him for not fighting for us. 

I hated him for wrecking Christmas. 

I hated him for days and then something strange occurred. 

We started to talk one night. We enjoyed one another’s company and didn’t try to fix any of our problems. We didn’t strategize about this meltdown or how we were going to get our kids to sleep, we just talked. We both had a lot we needed to get off our chests. 

We talked for days which turned into weeks which slipped into months which quickly turned into “let's be better” — together. 

The divorce was removed from our conversations. 

My husband became a better version of himself and so did I. 

When the world went into chaos, our chaos was simply amplified. The problem was no one could see it except for us. No one sees the chaos that autism does to a family or to marriage.  No one sees because we are often isolated and just ‘dealing with it’; dealing with depression through coping strategies like checking out and drinking. No one sees and that became a huge part of the problem. 

This past year has been a journey of new; a new home routine and educational plan for our three children and new for me and my husband because now we actually talk about our feelings without becoming combative with our words. We talk through our pain and chaos rather than using numbing strategies and that’s a win not only for our family but for our marriage. 

About: KE lives in Canada with her husband and three kids. She spends her time advocating for better resources, support, and funding for the individuals who are diagnosed with cognitive disability or physical disability. K has a love for helping people and sharing her story through blogging online about being a mother raising two boys both diagnosed on the autism spectrum.

“My spouse and I don’t have the time to spend with one another because our world is consumed with autism.”

“Honestly, my marriage would thrive with more respite options, but we simply don’t have the luxury to invest in one another because who will care for our son?”

Third in our series on the impact of severe autism on marriage.

By Jessica Ingle

My son Zeke is 6 years old. He was diagnosed with severe autism at age 3, and he is nonverbal. There have been six nights in my son’s life where my spouse and I have been able to get away with one another. Two of the three occasions were in the same town we live in - so no, not some tropical paradise we were running away to! We were desperate and delirious from a lack of sleep because Zeke doesn’t sleep — never really has. Even as an infant, he would cry for hours, and most days, so would I.

My wife and I would take turns with him throughout the long nights so that we could attempt to sleep if the screaming wasn’t too loud. We were desperate for a full night of rest together so we begged our parents to keep Zeke so that we could get a hotel room close by. Yep, that was the goal of our getaway — sleep. 

Our ten-year wedding anniversary was recently approaching, and we planned to celebrate by vacationing in the Bahamas for four nights. Not for weeks or even a week - simply 4 nights was all we allotted for ourselves. As our departure date inched closer, I teetered between being ecstatic and terrified. I was nervous to leave Zeke, but I had his schedule and routine written down minute-by-minute for his grandmother. 

Zeke’s schedule is extremely busy and has many moving parts. There are therapies, school, our work, his evening meltdowns due over-stimulation and hopefully sleep. Every day is different but a constant merry-go-round. Zeke wakes up and sometimes eats breakfast and then we figure out what clothes will be tolerated for the day before brushing his teeth. This can take up to 20 minutes because he often refuses. There is never a morning to just lay around and be lazy together due to work, school, and therapy obligations, but the evenings are the hardest. There has to be a set of eyes on him at all times because he is an eloper or will jump off the back of the couch and hurt himself or accidentally break a picture frame and cut himself. Most often, one of us cooks dinner while the other entertains Zeke and then we switch roles for clean up. Bath time is a two-person job as he doesn’t enjoy them most nights. Once all of this is finished, we give him medicine to help calm his brain and induce sleep. He usually goes to sleep by 9:00 pm, and if we’re super lucky, he will sleep until 6:00 am, but most nights it’s closer to 4:00 am when he wakes up and then our day starts all over again. 

But 36 hours before we were scheduled to leave for our anniversary trip, we landed in the emergency room. Zeke was constipated and projectile vomiting. My spouse ran home to gather supplies for a hospital stay while I settled him into our room. I canceled our tropical vacation the next day. Thankfully, we were given a credit and can reschedule.  We’re hopeful that we can go next year on our anniversary. Fingers crossed. 

Zeke was in the hospital for 6 days to clear the impaction which meant we stayed the entire length of our anniversary trip. While there’s nowhere else I would rather be when he’s sick, it stings a little bit as well. My marriage is so often put on the back burner because of our son’s needs and my spouse and I don’t have the time to spend with one another because our world is consumed with autism. Date nights are nonexistent, but every few months we try to spend a few hours together alone; however, the work required to schedule all the moving parts is exhausting, and the fallout from the change of routine can last for days. 

Honestly, my marriage would thrive with more respite options, but we simply don’t have the luxury to invest in one another because who will care for our son? While we’re thankful our parents have kept Zeke in the past, it is becoming harder for them as they age, and Zeke is getting bigger. As he ages, our options for respite decrease, and that makes it even more difficult to cultivate our relationship because when he is around, no one is resting. No one is having a quiet conversation and there are no romantic dinners for two. We aren’t able to hire the teenager from down the road because it’s too dangerous and most people are not equipped to care for a child with severe autism.  

If my spouse and I were able to have two hours alone every week and didn’t have to worry about the care Zeke was receiving, we would be unstoppable. My family would flourish!  My spouse is my best friend and a wonderful parent to our little boy, but it would be so nice to have time to be together — alone. Time to invest in our marriage and time to invest in one another. Is that too much to ask? 

About: My name is Jessica. My spouse and I have been married for ten years. We have one little boy, Zeke, who is 6 years old. Zeke was diagnosed with severe nonverbal autism at age two after he regressed and lost all language and social skills. Our home base is North Georgia. However, we are traveling full time in our RV this year. I have my own blog at https://www.facebook.com/Zandme2/. I have also been featured with Finding Coopers Voice, Love what Matters and Her View From Home.