NCSA President Jill Escher shares some personal reminiscences about her colleague and friend Feda Almaliti, the NCSA co-founder and Vice President who tragically died with her beloved autistic son Muhammed on September 26 (see our tribute here).
“These vignettes provide just a glimpse into Feda’s colorful personality,” says Escher. “They are not meant to explain the arc of her advocacy work, just some stories to allow her unique humor and spirit to shine on a bit longer.”
#It’sAGift
Scenes from autism conferences Feda helped to organize.
As much as Feda adored Mu, she had no illusions about the seriousness of his condition, and would often ridicule the neurodiversity celebration of autism with her ironic hashtag #ItsAGift.
After our friend’s autistic son bashed his head into a bloody pulp Feda would text #ItsAGift. When Mu would leave a bruise on her leg the size of a grapefruit, she'd roll her eyes and say #ItsAGift. When my son shredded my car’s interior, I knew what hashtag was coming.
But perhaps autism WAS a gift to Feda in a certain respect. It was a boundary-breaker that pushed her into a limitless world of people and purpose. Married at 17, with a first son at 18, and without even a high school diploma, Feda perhaps had a fairly constrained life, but one with brilliance and creative energy brimming inside. Autism was like her Big Bang, and she was grateful for it. She once quipped, “Before autism, the highlight of my week was reading the circular from Macy’s.”
Perfect Black
Feda rejected political correctness. With her genuine love for people of all backgrounds (including Jews like me), she knew the glue that held people together was humor, the ability to poke fun — based on a foundation of genuine respect, and not some eggshell-walking fear of offending.
Potty-mouthed Feda was an equal opportunity offender. One night she took me and our dear friend Mawuko (whom she had nicknamed "Perfect Black") out to see a Black standup comic who delivered 45 minutes of nonstop sexually and racially offensive drivel. Well I thought it was drivel but Feda laughed hysterically the entire time.
Her cross-cultural affections, though, were a serious matter. Less than a week before she died she told us about a handsome, successful Muslim man she was online dating. But then, she said, on Facebook she posted a big "Shana Tova!" meme for Jewish New Year. The guy saw it and reprimanded Feda, saying he could never lay his hands on a woman who befriended Jews. Disgusted, she dropped him like a hot potato, or knish.
She and I used to joke that together, having experienced the common bonds of humanity through our lives with severe autism, we could create peace in the Middle East.
Even in a hijab or headscarf, Feda could rock an Ugly Christmas Sweater. She played Santa Claus at a special autism family holiday concert at Stanford. Her bestie “soul sister” Alicia was a devout Catholic.
She considered most supposed differences merely superficial, and made fun of absolutely everyone, even herself. After I asked that attendees at a gathering called “Autism On Tap” wear nametags, Feda showed up with hers saying, “TOKEN MUSLIM.”
Her perfect world would have been a blend of aromatic Palestinian cuisine (at which she was a master), Curb Your Enthusiasm and RuPaul’s Drag Race. She lovingly called an adorable and flamboyant young man who worked with her son Mu “My Gay.” I think she wanted her world spiced with every color of the human rainbow.
Feda was just completely authentic, completely curious, and had little patience for social niceties. One day we went out for a lunch with an elderly, genteel friend in her 80s. After our friend showed us pictures of her boyfriend, Feda blurted, "You have to tell me, DO YOU GUYS HAVE SEX?”
Ah how you will be missed, #Towelhead.
The Supreme Leader
Being Autism Society San Francisco Bay Area President to Feda's VP meant enduring years of mockery, including being called "THE SUPREME LEADER KIM JONG JILL.” (Okay, I suppose I could be a little bossy at times….)
Feda’s rendering of “Supreme Leader Kim Jong Jill.”
One time she invited people to an SFASA pre-conference dinner as such:
"Comrades, You are hear-by ordered BEFORE November 7, 2018 to report your attendance status to the Ministry of Unification. Those who fail to do so by that date shall be summarily executed for defying an order from our Eternal General.
—Feda Almaliti, Unworthy Servant of the Leader of Our Party Long Live Kim Jong Jill.
Warning: The placement of this official email in any “Trash,” “Junk,” or “Spam” folder is punishable by the removal of a thumb.”
Oh What a Feeling
From Feda’s Facebook feed.
Three years ago Feda and I flew to San Diego for the Autism Law Summit, an event that was to close with a talent show. Happy to skip out on some of the sessions I trudged to a nearby Goodwill to find a baggy sweatshirt she would slash into a costume for a Flashdance "What a Feeling" routine.
Besides the attire, there were two props, a chair (of course) and a big cup of water, that I, hidden just offstage, was to splash on her face at the very moment she struck her final pose.
Unfortunately I was laughing so uncontrollably during her routine (as was the entire audience) I completely forgot to throw the water, so there she was legs astride the chair, her back arched, yelling "water!"
As we got off the stage she rolled her eyes in disbelief, saying, "YOU HAD JUST ONE JOB!"
“Gel or Acrylic?”
Manicures were not my thing but Feda knew that autism moms needed a break whether they admitted it or not. So when Feda said “Bitch, we’re getting our nails done!” you went and you loved every second.
Science Freak. Not.
Feda had no great love for science but was humorously supportive of my autism research work, which she nicknamed the #FuckedEggs Hypothesis of Autism (actually, mostly accurate).
You have to hand it to her. To me it's the "Germline Toxicant Exposure and Dysregulated Transcription of Brain Development Genes" hypothesis and hers was just plain old, direct #FuckedEggs. Hers was better, an A+ to my B-.
She gifted me many trinkets along this theme. A DNA scarf, sperm earrings, sperm necklace, and a #SexCells pendant among them. She said #SexCells, which was of course a play on the words “Sex Sells,” would be the name of my book about #FuckedEggs and sperm. She gave me permission to use her and Mu’s likeness and story in many scientific presentations.
I am #ForeverGrateful.
Bringing the Mountain to Muhammed
Mu and Feda at a fundraiser earlier this year.
Feda was just an awesome mom. She worked tirelessly for Mu and gave him his best life. But at several junctures I felt it was simply not safe for Mu to live with her; he was huge, strong and willful, and too often damaged the home or (inadvertently) hurt her. When I suggested she have him placed in professional care, she resisted. Instead she would “move the mountain to Muhammed” so to speak, and after much advocating boosted the array of services for him at home. She succeeded to an extent, but was left alone at night. And that was not enough to save him, or her.
Feda made this video earlier this year about Mu’s “Dope Life.” Enjoy.
Get to know Feda: Here she is being interviewed by her friend and colleague Sarah Trautman. You can watch it here.
Feda wanted to make the autism world a happier place, and she succeeded with her own son, her local community (too many SFASA activities to count), her state (helping pass insurance reform), and the country (as a national advocate for severe autism). She had so very much to offer, and will be greatly missed.
Jill Escher is the President of the National Council on Severe Autism and Immediate Past President of Autism Society San Francisco Bay Area. She is also an autism research philanthropist, through the Escher Fund for Autism.
Ways to honor and remember Feda and Muhammed here